Kailyn Barr

New yahoo group for pnw trans

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Sun, 02 Jul 2006 10:54:26 GMT

Hi all! I'm starting a new group for communication between trans and allies in the region. It's called "pnw-trans" and it's at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/pnw-trans

It should be low traffic, and I'm gearing it towards event and activist information as well as inter-organizational communication.

Sign up if you're interested!

Woah

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2004 18:08:18 GMT

Big exciting weekend.

On saturday my girlfriend and I had some friends over for dinner. I made crabcakes (yum!) and my girlfriend made the salad. We drank lots of wine, I was semi-presenting and it was my first time being open in a social environment, and getting to be me a little bit more. There were pronoun and name issues, but I haven't really asked people to start using them yet. I just realized I need to.

I haven't stopped since then! We went clothes shopping on Sunday, which to my surprise, was totally painless. Except for having to carry all my clothes to the first floor to use the men's dressing room. That was kind of humiliating, but understandable. I've been presenting pretty consistently since then, although I have been wearing jeans and boots, which are pretty masc. The jeans are actually girls and the boots are unisex, but it doesn't necessarily convey the image I want. Then again it doesn't necessarily convey an image I don't want, either.

I haven't really gone anywhere in public without some elements of my female presentation, and it's been great. I haven't really gotten ma'am or she, although I did get a sir. So obviously I have a ways to go. But that stuff isn't as important to me as some other stuff. I just need a little more feedback.

Hormones have been great. It's been 8 weeks, and already I've had some nice facial changes, to the point where I feel a lot more comfortable with myself and being out and about. Now I *really* gotta get out of my parents house.

This week should be pretty eventful. Shopping tonight with a girlfriend, tomorrow I'm having dinner with another girlfriend who learned recently, then on Wednesday I am planning to come out to my boss. I'm coming out to my boss as a friend, not as an employee or coworker. I'll let ya know how it goes. I'm thinking maybe on thursday night I can discuss the situation with my uncle, but it seems like I have a pretty full week already and might just want a night for myself. We'll see.

Shoes are definitely a big priority, since I don't really have a decent pair of feminine shoes that fit and that I can wear functionally. I'm really tall, so heels are out of the question. My feet are also rather large, running about 13 womens. I think 12 is possible sometimes (rarely) and then sometimes a 13 won't do it and I need a 14. But 13 seems ideal, esp. since anything above that and availability tends to drop of dramatically (i.e. even more dramatically than it already has above, oh, a size 9).

So, things are pretty eventful for me right now, and seem to be moving rather fast. I'm comfortable with the pace, since I'm ready for all the changes. One I'm through this week, it should be smooth sailing.

Wish me luck!

kay

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Tue, 10 Aug 2004 16:40:43 GMT

So I got "she'd" last night at the store. It was pretty phenomenal, and it felt great. I was amazed to be read so, it was cool. Just wanted to share.

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Mon, 09 Aug 2004 17:33:32 GMT

I am taking bold new steps into a new life. Perhaps the most dramatic changes are not even gender related -- I simply have a new respect for myself and recognize my own needs and feelings as valid. Living this way is a very new experience for me. I have a level of honesty in my life never experienced before. It is frightening, yes. But my friends have turned out to be good ones, and it is important for me to live MY life, no matter how scary it seems.

The last few weeks have been ones of disclosure. Disclosure to old friends, new friends, and bold living. Certainly have a ways to go, but the steps I've taken in recent weeks have been affirming and momentous. I'm in my seventh week of HRT -- everything is GREAT so far. It will be time to tell my boss soon.

I used my name, Kay, socially for the first time in a large group, including people I didn't know. That was wonderful.

I told my best girlfriend not too long ago, and her response was overwhelmingly positive. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I talked with her boyfriend as well, and the stage is set for a higher level of expression in those relationships.

I still haven't moved, which is the Big Thing. It needs to be done soon, but in many ways I've reached a level of comfort I haven't seen in months. So I'm not in so much a hurry anymore, but I can feel it getting in my way soon.

My life is getting back on track. Now that I've decided to live it, I find there are people within it who love me and want to spend time with me. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this, but in a way I am. I've spent such a long time being alone, and being someone I'm not that it's hard to imagine anyone actually liking me for who I am. Probably because I hate myself so much. Recognizing my feelings for what they are has also done worlds of good. No more denial. (Yeah right.)

Things have been happening consistently since I started HRT. Not physical things, but changes I've made to my own life. I had no idea how much of a driver it would be. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Kay

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Fri, 28 Nov 2003 06:51:07 GMT

transseattle

The deed is done - my parents know

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Fri, 12 Sep 2003 22:32:55 GMT

I'm still in a bit of shock, to be honest. I can only imagine what they are feeling.

My father found out first. It didn't quite happen the way I would have liked -- it just sort of "came up." We were discussing my education, which is the big thing between us these days. In fact, it's the whole reason I'm living at home. He was asking, "Why not go to school full time, or transfer to the UW?" I alluded to some problems (including depression) I'd been having over the year. We continued to discuss school matters, and he kept on trying to keep my "personal problems" out of the equation. The problem is, they are very much in the equation.

At first I didn't feel like discussing it, and I told him so, but then I realized there was absolutely no point in avoiding it any longer. It wasn't the way I wanted to come out, but I told him I was having significant gender issues. Of course, he knew this, because I have not been very secretive.

Overall, things went quite well. He didn't totally reject me, and seemed open to getting more information. He did ask if I was "seeing the right people," and also said that I should get a second opinion. I didn't tell him that I hadn't really gotten a first opinion (it seems we're left to come up with our own opinions?)
Apparently this whole thing "scares the shit out of my mother." Interesting, because I was planning on coming out to her first in the hopes she would be more supportive. Boy was I wrong.

However, when we "discussed it" (I'd be hard pressed to call what we just had a discussion, more like her not wanting to talk and focus on other stuff) she was also quite non-rejecting. She obviously has a lot to process and isn't able to deal with it at this point, but things seem promising. She did say that we needed to have a talk, all three of us, to figure out where we go from here (since I'm living there, that factors into it).

One thing that was sort of weird: she said that my letters didn't really tell her anything she didn't know, because she had been dealing with it for about a year. This blew me away -- since that's about as long as I've been dealing with it. Apparently some info on gender reassignment abroad had fallen out of my clothes in the laundry room or something, right when I first exploring this. It kind of hurt, because the letters reflected my personal experience and pain, but there was "no new information" because she had already been exposed to it. She conceded that she hadn't had the whole story, though.

I didn't give my dad any letters, since I was caught off guard. I did have a chance to print out the three letters I've written over the past six months for my mother, however. I gave them to her to read. I can post them if people are interested.

She understands it is more difficult for me than her, and also expressed the sentiment that "they'll be dead in 20 years, but I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life." Sort of odd that way.

Okay, this post is definitely disjointed and disorganized, so please bear with me.

I had made the decision to come out to my aunt first, so I called her yesterday to schedule a coffee date. That was before I got into this with my father, so when I saw her today, it was after our discussion.

My discussion with my aunt went great. She was very supportive and had some things to say which certainly helped. I gave her much more of the details about my plans and worries, and she gave me some much needed perspective on my parents and our family, and how this would fit into the whole thing. She was also excited to see "what kind of babe I'd become." I love her, she rocks.

So the chronology is something like:

yesterday:
call my aunt, make a date for a chat
talk with my dad about school, get into gender stuff

today:
go see my aunt, chat with her
get back home, give letters to mom and "chat" a bit
go upstairs, write this post to get it out there and share with you all

This was a big step, I almost feel like a totally different person now. It's like now I have permission to come out to other people, now that they know. *boggle*

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

oh yeah :)

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Mon, 11 Aug 2003 19:58:47 GMT

-Bad- You're the exact opposite of what any guy
wants or needs, unless he happens to need a
quick lay. You're cruel. You toy with people.
You're probably a bitch, and i don't think i'd
like you if i met you. Oh go screw a random
male already.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

why oh why

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Mon, 04 Aug 2003 02:36:15 GMT

So ... there's this guy I've been seeing. He's a really cool queer (gay, I believe) guy who is into me, and I'm into him, except, well .. he doesn't know me, and doesn't exactly know about my plans.

We seem to be pretty seriously interested in one another. The question is, what happens when I come out to him as transgendered? I fear rejection. I'm on track to start HRT pretty soon as well (god damnit gotta get in there to store more sperm) and what happens then?

I'm sure we could get past the sexual effects of HRT, but I'm sure he isn't going to be too thrilled that I'm going to be a girl.

The question is, why do I care? Could it be that I've only had one serious boyfriend (the fucker who wasted most of my adult life, fuck him, he needs to die) and I want another one? Am I afraid that I'm not going to be able to land a guy who is going to care for me in my new state? I'm not sure I even want anything to do with straight men, but I am (as they call it) androphilic .. (that means I like guys) .. I appreciate the dyke aesthetic, and I dig girls [I've got a great girlfriend] but I'm not exactly a lesbian either .. I believe men will always be a part of my sex life and desire.

So .. I'm concerned, because lately I've been getting these feelings like .. like I want to be with this guy, but that doesn't seem possible if i'm going to transition. What concerns me the most is how easily my desire for these men seems to be interfering with my drive to transition .. The feelings dissipate after I come to my senses, which usually involves something like : "Well, he's not really that cool, so I could never sacrifice that much for ANY period of time for him." (I've had these feelings with a few different guys, but its only THIS ONE that seems to have a chance at coming close to influencing to path of my life).

So I guess its possible that I get so involved with him that I would suddenly have to start considering him in all of this .. which makes me feel crazy for even *trying* to date anyone these days, just seems like asking for trouble. On the other hand, I can't deny that I have these feelings, that are causing a conflict with my drive to transition.

So maybe I'm pushing myself too hard? I mean, some abuse issues have *just* come to the surface, and are also pretty serious. So I need to take it slow. But at the same time, I'm on track and I'm not exactly interested in derailing from that ... and I have limited time, as in NO money, my parents think I'm concentrating on my education (the fall quarter will be starting not too long from now), so I feel under tremendous pressure to SETTLE THIS NOW and get on with my life because I don't have the luxury of doing anything else.

So now, I feel totally confused, it's like even though I *feel like I am girl* (whatever that means) and I feel this uncontrollable drive to transition (I'm not sure I could stop if I could) I also really like this guy, I really like gay guys, and I also really like the attention I get from them .. I'm afraid to lose all of that if I transition (and really, it isn't that much to loose really, but the fact I'm even worrying about it concerns me; like, should I even be doing this at all?).

SOOOOOOOOO ... i'm sure this will all get cleared up when I come out to him. He'll be like, "see ya you freak" and not want anything to do with me. The question is, when will that happen? Things are getting intense, but it is still *very early*.

too cool! I dig it!

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Wed, 23 Jul 2003 21:30:50 GMT

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Ranger

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Monks are strange and generally not understood by the world at large. They live apart from people, and follow strict codes that restrain their behavior and lifestyle. They have an exceptionally calm outlook on life, and generally do not resort to violence unless absolutely necessary. Even when they do, their code of conduct forbids the use of all weapons - except their hands. As such, monks are extremely skilled at hand-to-hand combat, and no other style.

Deity:
Solonor Thelandria is the Chaotic Good elven god of archery and the hunt. He is also known as the Keen Eye, the Great Archer, and the Forest Hunter. His followers respect nature, and only hunt when needed, but are quick to defend the forest from intruders. Their favorite weapon is the bow, and they tend to be extremely talented with it. Solonor Thelandria's symbol is an arrow with green fletchings.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

thanks lydia

back from sf

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Mon, 21 Jul 2003 19:31:48 GMT

woot! it was fun.. more later.

SASG Gaymes and Bonfire and SF

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Fri, 04 Jul 2003 18:05:57 GMT

Hi all!

I'm going to be at Gaymes and Bonfire tonight at Alki Beach. It starts at 5pm.

u R invited to a party that will blow U up!
BRING YOUR FRIENDS to alki beach in w. seattle for a special night of
************GAYMES & BONFIRE**************************
friday 7/4 5p...... meet 4p at SASG to give/get ride to the beach
(in the event of rain, we'll stay at SASG for GAYMES/BONFIRE PLAYHOUSE)

So people should come to that, because I'll be there and it will be cool. Come one, come all. In seattle, btw.

Also, I'm going to SF for three weeks, so I'm excited about that. woot!

Busy busy

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Tue, 24 Jun 2003 01:17:52 GMT

I'm currently in a whirlwind of activity, so I'm a little behind.

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Wed, 18 Jun 2003 20:30:39 GMT

I'm not brave, just stupid.

Electro in 120.

ok, I give in

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Mon, 16 Jun 2003 16:50:08 GMT





	
	
	
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How compatible with me are YOU?

So here is the plan...

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Tue, 10 Jun 2003 07:52:02 GMT

1.5 months through 3 months of therapy for HRT. Got referral to a doctor at a sliding scale clinic (one i've actually been a client of before). Just had first electrolysis session.

I'll be doing 5-6 hours of electrolysis a week. Hopefully starting estrogen therapy at the beginning of august, after I store enough sperm to allow for children someday.

I'm hoping to return to school in january as female. We'll see how it goes.

neato

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Thu, 05 Jun 2003 21:47:51 GMT

Test Results

You think of yourself as being Soft, Lovely, Radiant, and Transformative.

Others think of you as being Free, Powerful, Proud, and Strong.

Your relationships can be described as Mighty, Strong, Calm, and Fierce.

When stressed, you feel Trapped.

Take this test here.

Holy shit

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Thu, 05 Jun 2003 15:52:03 GMT

So I was crossdressing last night, and my mom woke up and came downstairs while I was getting something. First she asked what was going on, and then when I said, "nothing," she asked "What I had on." I replied nothing to that as well and ran upstairs. Not sure exactly how to play this off.

Here is the score

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Jun 2003 20:40:37 GMT

I finally came to some conclusions last night. I realize that I've been struggling to fit my transsexuality (or my cross-gender feelings, whatever they are) into other people's models so that I could feel justified in transition.

I need a chain of logic to follow. If A and B, then C. A is "I am a transsexual" and B is "I desire a female social role." C, of course, refers to transition.

If I am a transsexual, and I desire a female social role, then I should transition.

Is it that simple? Of course not.

But I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of reading about it. I'm tired of trying to make sense out of it. I simply have to accept that I am transsexual and that I want to transition. Do I have to justify it with some kind of theory?

I've accepted that I just have to do it. School is an unnecessary complication at this time. It isn't even my goal, it is my fathers. Just wait until he gets a load of this.

therapy

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Fri, 30 May 2003 21:32:38 GMT

therapy was good, much like a bullshit session. if I have to go through therapy I may as well have some fun with it. I don't think I really need it, though. I'm at "that point."

hormones?

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Tue, 27 May 2003 17:52:33 GMT

So I want to start HRT, but I'm slightly hesitant. Why? Well, I need to pony up $1-2k for storing sperm samples. I DO want children and am not willing to take the chance of becoming infertile. Luckily I should be able to put together that kind of money in a month or two, basically by the time I will have completed the requisite three months of therapy. So, things are good I guess. I would like to start passing though. Not quite sure how to accomplish that. It's a process, I guess.

In other news, I just saw soldier's girl. It truly rocked, and was a great film about a tragic story involving a TS woman and her love. It touched me. Made me cry.

that's all folks

Self esteem issues

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 May 2003 20:13:01 GMT

and, of course, not doing well in school reinforces my loser-ness and just pushes me down further .. bleh!

Total demotivation.

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 May 2003 20:06:41 GMT

I'm supposed to be doing math homework. I'm trying really hard to care about it, but I just can't. I'll push myself to do it anyway, and study for the quiz, but I have lost total interest in my education. And I've only just come to terms with the fact that I need to resolve my gender issues before I continue. So I'm taking the summer off.

Now I've decided not to tell my parents until I absolutely have to. There's no reason for them to know. It'll just cause upset.

I just gotta push through until the end of this quarter, then I can take a breather.

seattle people?

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Tue, 20 May 2003 21:15:55 GMT

I know at least one of y'all is comin' to seattle this weekend, and at least another few are actually here.

we should have coffee! but excuse me if I look like a boy :)

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Tue, 20 May 2003 21:09:26 GMT

it's been over a week since my last update .. what's been going on

well last wednesday I got really depressed and couldn't really go to class, so I went to the Seattle Aids Support Group gender outlaw support group. It was sorta interesting, although there wasn't really anyone like me there. It sucks that all the support groups are when I'm in school.

however, jana encouraged me to take the summer off, and I was basically going to do that anyway. I'm really burnt out, and this whole gender thing is really interfering with my academic career. I can't concentrate on anything else, and I lack total motivation to invest more into my male life. screw it!

still haven't come out to the folx .. we're getting more and more distant .. they know something is up but there's no real way to cross the barrier right now .. I'm not sure what the best thing is to do.. I can tell them I'm "exploring," I can tell them I've decided to transition, or I can just tell them I feel like a girl and am confused, not sure what to do, in therapy, etc. I'm not sure what the best angle is.

I went shopping over the weekend, although all I got was a cute little femme wallet for $2.95. oh yeah, and I got some awesome make-up too. I finally realized the powder I was using on my foundation totally ruined the whole effect, basically making me look like a goth. that and my mascara was crap, so I got some decent mascara. also I got some neutral eye shadow colors, which I think should really help until I can get away with non-neutral stuff. what else .. decent powder, oh and some lip gloss! the lipsticks I have suck, the colors aren't right, and lipstick is a bitch to use anyway. I can't wait to see how I turn out with all this new stuff... unfortunately I had to leave it at my girlfriends because I went dancing on sunday and didn't feel like carting it to the club .. I'm also trying to let my facial hair grow out so I can get a decent assesmsment, and maybe get a treatment or two (laser or electro? hmmm)

ok later

Therapy appointment today.

kailynbarr@yahoo.com — Mon, 12 May 2003 18:33:43 GMT

I'm going to discuss the recent events with my parents (them busting into my room and finding my clothes) and the prospects regarding myself and HRT with this professional.

I'm in sort of like this weird "I just switched therapists, man I don't want to have to go through 3 months of therapy just so I can get HRT" state. I never thought I'd be looking at things from this perspective. But at a certain point, there is only so much that talking will accomplish, when you know who you are and what you need to do.